Many parents have an overly “moralistic” view on what is appropriate in front of their children and what is not. They consider the simple and normal act of holding each other, snuggling up with one another, or giving each other a small kiss in front of their child as inappropriate behavior. Misconstruing this human demonstration of love and affection as something sexual and so leading into something dirty. I hate to offend those of you who are oppressed by your religious upbringing and have been brainwashed into thinking that any physical demonstration of love is wrong outside of the bedroom, but you are not doing your child any good.

Instead of showcasing a healthy family relationship or a relationship between adults who love each other, you are teaching them:

1. that everything demonstrating love and affection is dirty and wrong.
2. that every physical contact between two people will lead to something sexual.
3. that it is not ok to hug or kiss someone even within your own family.
4. that they need to hide their feelings and / or be ashamed of them.
5. to be repressed and suspicious of physical shows of affection and love.
6. that essentially physical love is wrong and dirty.
7. that you can only be loving towards someone if you are in the bedroom behind closed doors.
8. that you don’t think that showing love is ok.

This sadly leads to them not learning the difference between what is an appropriate show of affection between two adults and what is highly inappropriate as well. It leads to them even becoming uncomfortable when other adults show affection around them, or them mistaking in the long run sex for love. A lesson they desperately need to learn from early on. There is a reason we have to many teenage pregnancies these days and it isn’t just because kids are a lot more sexually active earlier now, but because a lot of girls are looking for love and mistaking letting a guy fuck her for that. Guess what, that is what you taught them by your stiff necked behavior. After all they know Mommy and Daddy had sex and they assume you love each other, so sex must equal love since you don’t show it any other non-sexual way.

Parenting is never easy and I am certain you want to be the best parent for your child you can possibly be. Family relationships between parents often shift or fall apart in this time and age. It isn’t because of the lack of moral values either, but because of the disconnect between the husband and wife. Let me put it this way folks, when touching becomes something which is inappropriate outside of the bedroom even when it is just casual and a demonstration of love, you have already lost the battle in keeping your marriage alive and giving your child a good role model of healthy family relationships.
Children may make “yuck noises” when they see their parents kiss each other or be playful, but I can guarantee you they love seeing it. It is their job to act “shocked” and give us hell. I remember when my children grew up. I have always been a very demonstrative person when it came to giving hugs to my spouse or my children. I would rain kisses on their upturned faces and there was never a day I wouldn’t kiss my husband hello or good bye. On the other hand my kids would also watch me not show that same level of affection to people outside of our family unit. I didn’t go around hugging and kissing strangers or friends in the same way. My kids learned that by watching me that full frontal hugs were only for my husband and my children, since that meant I would take them close to my bosom and heart. Friends and removed family friends would be hugged slightly from the side by me. If I gave a kiss to a close family friend or a removed family member it was always on the cheek and further away from the mouth. Clearly showing the difference in my affection for them!

Cuddling up on a couch to watch TV was also something I would only do with my kids or husband. I didn’t “love” everyone I met. My children learned the difference early on from me. There was no “harmless” flirting with other adults or inappropriate touching. Touching was a show of affection and it was never demonstrated in a way that could have let to something else.

My children even as teenagers would often sit on the couch and demand “Kiss, Kiss,” if I stood close to my husband and made a funny ruckus when we would roll our eyes at them and obliged, something a lot of their friends had a hard time understanding. I can’t even remember how many times I heard my children’s friends say: “Yuck, you actually want your parents to kiss? Man shouldn’t they take that to the bedroom?” That right there tells you everything you need to know. Positive physical affection was not part of their upbringing in their own family relationships.

My children always responded the same. “Don’t be stupid, they love each other. What is wrong with our parents giving each other a hug and a kiss? It’s nice! It’s not like they are going to have sex here in front of us. Get a grip!”

See how the answer demonstrates they knew the difference? They clearly understood already that love was different from sex. That a kiss and a hug showed loved, while the physical act of bumping uglies was sexual in nature.

This also allowed my kids to feel comfortable hugging and kissing us and each other without automatically taking it into a dirty or nasty direction. It opened it up for me to be able to have some very honest talks with them as well. Part of parenting is explaining to your child what is appropriate touching within family relationships and outside of them, as well as what is acceptable and what is not. My kids all were taught by me from as early as possible that I was to be told immediately if anyone (including friends and family members) ever tried to touch them in a wrong way and to never be afraid of letting me know. They were as well instructed as to what would happen if they lied about it or if they lead someone on by inappropriate behavior of their own. Yes all that is part of having a healthy family relationship (the ability to speak honest and open with one another and your child) as well as parenting. Those topics can not ever be taboo.

I raised my children to verbalize clearly and strictly if they did not wish to be touched in any way by someone else. I taught them that demonstrations of love between family members was ok and that what happened between adults loving each other in the bedroom was just as fine, but that should never spill out in front of them. This means they were taught to knock on our bedroom door if it was closed as well. Teaching them respect and that we too respected them. This of course went the same for us as they grew older. If their bedroom door was closed I would knock always before entering.

I was never as proud and knew that my parenting had taken hold the right way as when I clearly heard my teenage daughter tell one of her male friends to not get any stupid ideas. She may give him a hug because he was her friend, but that was all he was getting. She didn’t love him like that and with that sex was out of the question. This was a direct result of him trying to touch her in a way which she didn’t find acceptable. As a parent that is all I can ask for.

A note purely on family relationships between husband and wife or equivalent; if your relationship cools down so much that there is no longer any affection, emotional connectedness, or the feeling of belonging; don’t be surprised when your partner starts looking for those things elsewhere. We often overlook the necessity to remain each others beloved, best friend, cuddle buddy, lover and companion when we become parents. This often ends up with one of the two not only starting to feel neglected but often even resentful. Just because you had children doesn’t mean you stopped being a couple as well. Make sure you make time for each other and demonstrate your love and affection for each other daily in as many ways as you can think of. Some are only appropriate when your children are not present, while others can be done in front of them easily. A hug, a kiss, a cuddle on the couch while watching TV, an “I love you” for no reason all are perfectly fine and will help you stay connected. Don’t overlook those small and very important things and never use “strict religious morals” as an excuse to be less than loving towards one another.

As always I am available to speak to you on my phone lines if you feel the need to discuss relationship, parenting or any other issues which bother you with me.

Regina S. aka Shalamar

No matter how many children you have already had or if you were a babysitter since you were 16 Years old, no two children are the same and neither their talents, needs or wants. You can safely assume that each child will come with their very own little package of “Oh my goodness, what do I do now?”

The funny thing is that children don’t come with an instruction booklet. You can’t just reach for the manual and troubleshoot them by reading off some sort of instructions. It really doesn’t work that way and neither does disciplining each child the same. I am always amused when I read parenting articles or “how to parent your child” posts written by someone who after doing some research never even had a child. That is almost like taking Guitar Lessons from someone who never even picked up an instrument. They may have read hundreds of books about parenting, but in order to give solid advice you need a bit of hands on training. As in actually raising or having raised at least one of your own.

As a parent it is your job to learn each individual child you have the honor of raising and yes it is an honor. There are many women out there who desperately want a little one and can’t have one. Ask them sometimes, they would agree with me. Being a parent is both the hardest and at the same time most rewarding career you will ever undertake. Did I just throw you for another loop by calling it a career? In a way it is, because by the time you are done you will be quiet the expert in your child and will have spent endless hours worrying, crying, stressing and being proud in his/her and your successes. It is a fulltime job that doesn’t end when they are 18 Years old. No retirement for you my friends.

Being a parent means you are going to have to make some really tough choices at times and belief me a lot of those choices won’t be always popular with your partner or your child. You’ll be required to learn about things that you never thought you would need to know.

Let me give you some examples of things you really need to educate yourself about if you don’t have a background in it already.

• Drugs
• Gangs
• Occult and Religions
• Newest fashion trends (especially if you have a daughter)
• The newest Video Games on the market
• Technical advances
• Social Media – its benefits, its dangerous and more
• Anger Management
• Dealing with depression and bullying

You’ll need to brush up on:

• Math
• English or whatever your national language may be
• History
• Sports
• and any new little educational programs your childs school may be offering

You will be required to:

• be your childs taxi service
• disciplinarian
• the ATM
• the teacher
• the counselor
• the playmate
• the scapegoat
• the friend when they get much older

Being a Parent means you will be more things all rolled into one than you have ever thought possible. So get your Cape ready my friends because you will become a super hero and villain in no time.

Get to know your childs personality and look for the small signs!

As I said in the beginning each child is different and just as you have your own unique personality so does he or she. Never assume that just because you or your spouse are a certain way that they will turn out to be the same way. Most of the time they may have a couple of your trades, but they have their unique spin to them. You can’t look at their siblings for clues either.

I have raised three children and let me assure you they each were as different as night and day. I had the little social butterfly, the class clown and the overly sensitive bookworm. They ranged from common sense smart, street smart to book smart. The ranged from passive agressive, to aggressive to completely passive. My oldest had the hardest time learning but could retain things extremely well once she got it, my middle child almost had to be tied down to learn at all, not because he couldn’t but because he hated school. My youngest could pick anything up and learn it within an hour without any problems. You can see what I mean.

In many ways it is your job to not only accept your child for who he or she is, but help them achieve their potential and balance. That doesn’t mean you have to drag them to every possible talent show if they happen to be musically inclined, to every modeling session if they are very attractive, to every sports try out if they are athletic. Some children don’t want that and by you forcing them to do all those things you are not advancing them, but actually stunting their inner growth. Don’t force them to live out YOUR DREAM for them, but allow them to develop their own. Be equally encouraging to each sibling in turn on their own level.

Don’t force your religious belief systems down their throat, but allow them to come to you with questions. Be open and honest about what you belief, but don’t apply pressure unless you want to watch your child grow up to go into a completely different direction from where you thought you wanted them to go. As they get older respect their choices and be open to let them explain to you why they feel their path is right for them. No, your child is not going to go to hell just because he or she doesn’t belief exactly the way you do. Instead of cramping it down their throat you are better served by modeling your belief in front of them. Meaning behave like and act the way you claim to belief instead of preaching it at them. Children learn by watching you. Trust me when I tell you that children pay a lot closer attention to your actions than you will ever realize. In my case again my children grew up with a Christian birth father, me being a Witch and their stepdad being a “satanist” (no he doesn’t worship Satan – with him it is simply oppossing the Christian belief).  As my children grew up they opted to become each something different. One is a Christian from what she says. The other one is an atheist and the third a Witch. To me it makes no difference which path they chose as long as they are happy in their choices. That doesn’t mean they will stay the same either as they grow older, it just means that is what they have opted for right now. My husband grew up in a “Jehova Witness” Household which forced it down his throat, which essentially turned him completely against religion. As I said don’t force it down your children’s throats. Let them come to you to ask the questions. I personally have a wide religious background and have no problem with any one religion, I simply found my path in mine.

Get to know their friends and who they surround them-selves with. Trying to censor who they are allowed to engage with usually doesn’t work. The more you forbid something or someone the more they are going to try to do it. It is part of their rebellious spirit which is completely normal as they grow up. Instead of flat-out saying:”I forbid you to have xyz as a friend” try approaching it a little more open ended and with a reason attached. This gives them the choice to either trust in your judgement and not hang out with that person any longer, continue to associate but become watchful, or ignore your advice and learn a hard lesson.

What worked really well for me was saying something like: ” I know you that you think that xyz is a really great friend and that xyz is fun and cool, but honestly it makes me very uncomfortable when you hang around with xzy. I just get a bad feeling about it. It is your choice, but I would be a lot happier if you would find other children to hang around with instead. Please be careful ok? I love you and don’t want you to get hurt.”  If I had specific reasons why I didn’t like the involvement I would cite those reasons. Otherwise I would simply state it as above. Belief it or not 8 out of 10 times, my children opted to either disassociated from the “friend” shortly there after. A few times they didn’t and learned a sad lesson within weeks, came to me and told me” I should have listen to you Mom and told me what happened”. Now please be very careful how you react here. The “I told you so” is not a good option. Rather respond with “I wish you didn’t have to experience this’. They are already fully aware that you “told them so” and are eating crow here.

Don’t try to force your child to be the opposite of their personality. A shy and quiet child can not be pushed to be overly social. A social child is never going to be happy kept inside the house all the time. A child who loves to play sports and has no interest in learning music, needs to be offered the opportunity to play sports not forced to learn instruments. A child that loves to read and isn’t into watching TV, needs to be given the opportunity to be able to read within a reasonable amount. What do I mean by that?

One of my daughters was a bookworm. Her habit however was so extreme that she would spend just about every free minute doing nothing but read. This is something that I did have to end up limiting a bit so she would go outside and get some fresh air. Sometimes that meant having to allow her to go outside and read there if all else failed. Eventually she did at least make friends and hang out with them from time to time.

Remember that each child has a different learning curve and ability as well. Please make sure you never make the mistake of stating: “Well your sister/ brother doesn’t seem to have a problem with that. Why are you so stupid?” That is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. Never call your child stupid. They make act stupid from time to time, but they are not stupid. There is a big difference in the wording here. If they have a hard time learning they are going to try to call them-selves that often enough. It is your job to assure that your child never thinks of him or herself that way. Once they do, learning will only become harder and soon they are actually going to use that as an excuse to stop trying all together. Don’t allow that to happen. Make sure you praise them when they do learn something new. They need to know you have noticed it and are proud of them. Children want to make their parents proud no matter what they say or act. You are one of the most important people in their life as they grow up and may continue to be so as they are adults.

Help each child to learn their best way of studying and if necessary I guess you need to take some of your off time and sit down and help them.

Oh and yes that brings me to your “me” time. I am sorry but as a parent you can’t be selfish. At least not for a long time. Your child didn’t ask to be brought into this world. That is a direct result of you having some fun and now it is your responsibility to help, nurture, discipline, spend time with, raise and …. your child. Until they are at least teenagers, if it comes down to making the choice of you being there for your child if he or she needs you and going out to get drunk, having fun etc. there shouldn’t be a moments thought about the decision. Your child wins! Period and every time.

Here too of course you need to find a borderline so. As your child matures you will be needed more in some areas and less in others. Don’t mistake being a good parent for being a manipulated parent. You need to learn when it is time to put your foot down and say no – right now I need some time for myself or with your Daddy, and when it is time to make them first.

Don’t make topics taboo or not to be spoken about unless you want your child to go and find the information somewhere else and from someone else. Be happy your child trusts you enough to come with questions and concerns to you. If you don’t know about something, tell them honestly and encourage them to learn about it with you together. “I don’t really know much about this, but I would like to know myself now that you brought this up. How about we look the information up together?” Children will get the information somewhere! What would you rather be the source?

Stop talking to your child as if they are idiots. They may be smaller and younger than you, but you can talk normal to them. Don’t worry if he or she doesn’t understand something you’ll notice and can make it a little easier to understand by rephrasing it. The more you talk to them as if they are intelligent instead of being permanent residence of a baby bed or a short bus, the more they’ll learn and their vocabulary will increase too.

Now let me tab on alternative lifestyle households.

Lesbian or Gay Parents can be just as good of parents as a heterosexual couple. Actually most of the time they tend to try even harder to be good parents because they do realize that their child is being brought up in a different type of environment. The basics are still the same. They are not going to have sex in front of their child anymore than you would. They should show affection to each other. Belief it or not children actually like seeing their parents hug and give each other a kiss (no not a drawn out tongue duel, but a peck). It shows that they love each other and are comfortable with affection. That in turn encourages them to be more affectionate in an appropriate manner with you.

No the children of a gay or lesbian couple will not automatically turn out to be gay or lesbian either as they grow up. Sexuality is individual not hereditary. It isn’t a decease you can pass along. It is simply a sexual preference, choice or the way you were born. EAch one of those statements is correct. The only thing I am asking you is don’t bash the opposite gender in front of your child. You may have had problems with them in the past, that doesn’t mean your  child needs to be tainted with your opinions on it. Give them a chance to learn what is right or wrong for them, not try to push them into something that might not be right for them.

In due time you will need to answer some hard questions, but you can weather that easily by being honest. The main thing is that your child knows without the shadow of a doubt that you love him or her, and that you and your partner love each other. You are a family unit, act like it.

I am going to write another article on this later.

BDSM or fetish households are the same way. My children grew up in a BDSM household with me and no they never got to see anything but the respect aspects of our lifestyle. As they grew older (teenagers) they would ask questions and they were always answered honestly and in a way that was appropriate for their age. Guess what. Neither of my children now fully grown are interested in BDSM or Fetish, but they also don’t judge others who are. To them it is simply another way of showing love and being in a very committed relationship. If anything they have learned the difference of being in a different but highly respectful relationship and abuse. Belief me I made sure they understood that difference.

Ok I am going to leave it at this. I will be back with more later and as always free feel to call me on my counseling lines if you have personal questions you need help with.

Often we set ourselves unrealistic goals or time frames in which to accomplish our goals. We set ourselves up for disappointments and what we are going to see as failures. We try to do everything by ourselves or try to get everything we need or want to accomplish our goal by ourselves, making it at lot harder on us than when we ask for what we want or need.

The reality is that things take time to develop if we want them to have a solid foundation on which to stand. If you want something to last only for a short duration of time you can “slap it together” and that is good enough, but if you want it to be for a long time and be able to grow from there you will need to give yourself time and make smaller goals. Expect set backs and delays. Be prepared to roll with the punches. Realize that anytime you deal with other human beings there is an element of the unknown and the unpredictable.

On average it takes 4 to 5 Years before a new business really gets off the ground and that is in a healthy economy. A new website or blog usually takes anywhere from 2 to 3 Years to build a loyal readership and steady traffic. During those “seed” years you have to be willing to put a lot of effort in with very little obvious return. This can get very discouraging if you allow it. Take this website for an example. I have been a life coach for many years already and I used to do my counseling through Kazamba which later turned into lifeperson. They were already established, with a good traffic and a big customer base. Once they decided that they didn’t allow me to talk freely and counsel freely on the different alternative lifestyle topics which I deal with from time to time, the didn’t just lock my account and keep my earning, but they also made it impossible for me to respond to my clients there and let them know that I was no longer available via this venue. This must have felt like a slap in the face to them. By their TOS I did not keep personal contact information of my clients and so had to lose my loyal client base.

It took me 2 Years to find a new option to not only safely bill for my counseling sessions but also establish a phone line which didn’t require for me to pay exorbitant fees to set up. Trust me I tried several of them and each ended up being less than acceptable. It wasn’t until I found myphonesite that I felt confident again to start advertising myself and openly offer my services to those in need of them. Myphonesite, even so reliable is fairly new and does not have a lot of build in traffic, which means I am responsible for my own marketing. Something that is not only time consuming, but costly depending on what venues you pursue. I didn’t open this blog up until late last year and with that the traffic coming to this blog is meeker at best. Matter of fact as I am writing this post I have no idea how many people will actually click on the link which will be shown on twitter and facebook (my current free marketing options) and visit this blog to read it. Now if I was easily discouraged this would deter me from putting in the effort it will take to become once more known and bring my counseling service of the ground once more.

I am also restarting a business / service in an economy which has been hit pretty badly and is only slowly recovering in some areas of the globe. Not the most opportune time to begin anything new.

I always suggest never to put all your eggs into one basket. Never start anything new without a backup plan when it comes to business or a security net. If you have planned your goal with all the facts or the facts you can surmise and find out in place, you can make a better goal time line. By assuring that you can afford for it to take the necessary time it will take to take hold, you can relax and not get desperate. Something which will stop you from achieving your goal every time.

Let’s go to relationship issues for a second. Here you are dealing not just with yourself, but with your counter part. This means that no matter what you may say or do, you are not in full control of the situation. Too many people make the mistake of thinking they can force change. Change can never be forced, you can only give it fertile ground in which it can feel secure enough to happen. I always advice those who approach me and want to know how they can make their part “see reason” or “change their bad behavior” like this. You can’t, but you can change yourself into someone that inspires better behavior or is more easy to understand. Remember that a lot of relationship issues happen because neither gender can really understand the way the other functions. That is actually one of the biggest problems. We assume that both genders behave, think and respond the same way. They don’t! Add to this that each individual person is different and comes from a different background and you have a very big gray area which you have to navigate slowly and carefully. A men who is constantly being nagged by his wife is not going to change, but instead just tune her out all together. The nagging is not going to bring him closer to her, but instead will drive him further away. This of course will look to the woman as if he doesn’t care about her and will only cause her to nag even more. What a devilish cycle. Do you know how to stop this cycle? By being the one who takes the first step to break it. Figure out what the real issue behind the constant nagging is. Is him never picking up the dirty clothe of the floor really the issue or is it the fact that you feel disrespected and taken for granted when he does so? Once you know the actual underlying cause you can approach it a lot different. YOu know either have the choice to a. realize that he isn’t doing this to disrespect you, he simply forgets to do it, b. he doesn’t want to be treated like a child by you and that is what you are doing when you constantly nag him about it, c. he really doesn’t understand what the big deal is. and let it go. Or you can sit him down in a loving manner and instead of nagging at him about “Being a slob and never putting his shit away blah blah blah” take his hand and simply say.”Honey I know you love me and you don’t understand what it bothers me so much when you don’t clean up after yourself. You hate it when I treat you like a child, but when you don’t put your stuff away you treat me like I am your mother and you don’t show me any respect. That really hurts me. I don’t want to be your mother, I am your “enter your relationship status here”. ” This for one will give him pause because you are not just bitching at him, but are actually giving him the reason of the irritation and if he is a mature minded man he will realize that if he doesn’t behave like a child, you won’t treat him like one. You have just in one sentence given him the reason and a possible solution, while leaving the ball in his court. He can now either pick up his things or you can just leave them on the ground from now on. Concentrate on cleaning everything else up and don’t act like his mother anymore. Just stop talking about it. If the clothe are not picked up and put in the hamper where you want them to be, they won’t get washed by you. He can now either wash them himself and as a grown man he should know how to do that, or not have any clean clothe to wear until he respects your wishes. It is so simple, and you now can stop being stressed out about it and he no longer needs to listen to you bitch about it.

A lot of small relationships problems like that have very simple solutions, you just need to know how to find them. You don’t look for them with your partner, you look for them with yourself. Remember only you have the control to change yourself. People may not trust the changes for a little while, because too many of us change back quickly when we don’t see the desired results, but you shouldn’t change anyways to get a specific result. You should change because it is better and healthier for you.

That too is a something that won’t happen overnight. But more on that later.

If you would like to talk to me directly and see if I can help you in a common sense manner, feel free to call me on my phone counseling lines when I am available. I am looking forward to speaking to you.

Shalamar

Most of us know at least one or two of those types of people. They may be friends, co-workers, loved ones or in some cases even your own significant other. They are always “down”, depressed, negative or have one or the other problem. When that type of person enters a room it is almost as if a heavy wet blanket was suddenly lowered on everyone around and  you can feel your mood slowly shift from normal or happy, to sad, tired and drained.

For some reason as you grow more and more tired, they seem to grow more and more animated. They are almost “giddy” in their misery and love nothing more than drag you down with them. Once they depart you feel as if you have literally just run a marathon or been through a major life crises. Every part of your body seems heavier and your mind is over tired and sluggish. When this happens every time you are in the company of this person you have just met a real life emotional energy vampire (again not to be confused with pranic  (life force) which is a Energy Vampyre as well – but is something completely different).

I have spoken to someone the other day who was telling me about a good friend of hers which she dearly cares for but simply treads to be around. She told me about a Birthday Party for another friend which went from happy and joyous to depressing and ended very quickly after her difficult friend arrived. Most people will have a feeling of wanting to get away from this person, a natural human instinct that recognizes when we are in an unhealthy situation.

Ironically so most of those types of people are very charismatic as well so. They seem to be charming and you feel sorry for their constant bad luck in life. Someone that nice really doesn’t deserve all those problems. The natural instinct is to want to help them, fix their problems for them, lighten their load of worries and be a good friend. The have a natural gift to know just how to talk to you in a why that you feel understood and appreciated, but it comes at a heavy price.  It takes a while before you start realizing that it is always the same and for people who are naturally the archetypical “fixers” they are almost impossible to resist.

Yet resist you must before they literally drag you down with them. The hardest part for you is the feeling of guilt you will encounter when you are trying to distance yourself from them. They are already so depressed all the time, you really don’t want to make it worst by not being there for them when they need you.

If you are not certain about this, test it out for yourself sometime. Become an observer only and shield yourself from the energies around you. You can do this by clearing your mind (medative) and focus purely on observing instead of participating. I usually do this by sitting somewhere far enough removed from those I observe that they do not pay attention to me. Watch as the demeanor, stance and in extreme cases even the pallor of the skin slightly changes when your “special” friend approaches and engages someone else in a conversation. Watch their slight sigh of relieve and even a small shift in stance again once they move on to their next “victim”.

Most people who are “emotional vampyres” are not aware of it. They call themselves realistic and will argue with you until dooms day come that they are not overly pessimistic instead it is all the rest of humanity that has a much too flowery and optimistic approach to life. They do know so that they feel a lot better both emotionally and physically once everyone around them is as realistic or depressive as they are. With that they seek this feeling out over and over again.

It is best to not be around them too much. Nobody can really afford to give their energy to someone else like this constantly and they will take all they can get, leaving you without resources to renew yourself. If they are very dear to you and you do not want to take them out of your life completely simply reduce your contact with them and by being aware of what your reaction to them will be you can shield yourself a little bit. If you start feeling this sudden tiredness come over you, leave the room. Stop or turn the conversation to something extremely positive and whatever they do or say, do not allow them to change your mind or spread doubt in you. Remember that negativity can always be cancelled out by positive mindedness. The key is actually believing in what you say.

A quote I have myself used on my personal resident emotional energy sucker who believes himself to be the only realistic person in the world left is:

“You are not a realist you are a pessimist. Pessimists see only the negative in every situation, They look only for the bad outcome and expect only the worst in life from everyone around them. They do not even consider that something good or positive could actually possibly ever happen. They are actually shocked when something for once works out right for them and even than they are looking for the trap in it or down play it.  An optimist does the exact opposite, They see only the good and never consider that something bad could actually happen. They completely discount the idea that not everything will happen exactly the way you want it to be. That makes them even more hurt when things go wrong and they simply can’t understand why it didn’t work out the way they dreamed it up. A true realist knows that things can go wrong and is prepared for it, but always looks for the best possible outcome. This way they think positive but are not so blind sided that they don’t know that it may not happen the way they want. With other words they are the best of both worlds.”

His argument back to me usually is: Nope a realist knows that nothing ever works out the way you want it to and by knowing and living with that knowledge you have the benefit of never getting hurt when it does. You expected it. Should something actually do go right for once, you can be pleasantly surprised.

Do you see where his outlook comes from a “bad” place? By expecting the bad to happen, he is naturally proven right 90% of the time, because he won’t even allow anything good to come his way. The universe gives you more of what you focus your mind on. If your focus is that nothing ever will work out the way you want it to, than that will be exactly what happens.

Now an emotional vampyre is an extreme pessimist in reality. He has perfected it to an art form almost to the point that if you share something wonderful or a dream, he will pick it apart in an almost caring fashion and twist it until even you doubt that this good thing has ever happened or could happen. Polluting your mind with his negativity. Not something you should expose yourself to constantly.

Another sign is that they seem to be very uncomfortable around very confident and “happy” people. “What do you have to be so happy about?” Tell them one day that you just feel happy for no reason and the instant response will be “Well that won’t last long!” Of course they are right, because as soon as it comes out of their mouth you are already going to wonder why you should be so happy for no reason.

You can’t argue them out of a their negative stance, but you can keep yourself positive by not allowing them to pollute you with their negativity. Do you remember how as a child you were able to tune people out? Do the same thing with them. When they start spouting their “problems”, negativity and dooms day mode start to tune them out immediately. They will notice soon enough when they have lost your attention and go away. Remain firmly in your personal happy place. Look this coming Thursday at my blog http://gentlethoughtsoflove.blogspot.com for an introduction on how to reach and build your personal safe heaven and happy place for beginners. It is actually a lot easier than most people think.

If you live with one of those emotional vampyres and would like to receive some tips and strategies on how to life a perfectly “normal” and even positive life without having to seperate from them, give me a call and let’s talk about you and your emotional vampyre. I will show you how you can negate the situations and even turn them around.

Shalamar

The problem is that being a workaholic truly is like a sickness that takes hold of you and you just fall deeper under its spell without knowing it. When you get to the point that you work from sunrise to late into the night without ever taking time off for yourself or to spend it with your family, you have firmly crossed over into it becoming a sickness. Yes, many of us have to work 2 jobs these days just to make ends meet, but even then we still need to take some downtime. We do it because we have to, not because it becomes what we find our worth by.

For years I have worked anywhere from 12 to sometimes even 18 hours a day or with me working 36 hours straight before falling exhausted into sleep was nothing unusual. Once I got up I would return to my office (since I work out of my house that was not hard to do) within moments of being fully awake and started the process all over again. I am married and my husband maybe saw me a couple of hours a day at most and that was only when I would give him his coffee and lunch for work in the morning, have a cup of coffee with him when he returned from work and later on to give him is dinner. Hell most of the time I would eat my Dinner at my laptop while I was working.

My husband is someone who enjoys a lot of personal cave time, but even he started complaining after a while about me never taking time off which I responded to in a very nasty way: “Well do you want your bills paid or not?” Now my husband works for a big company about 32 hours a week so he doesn’t just sit around either. He would try to drag me out of the house and most of the time my mind was centered on all the work I needed to get done as soon as I got back home. With other words I was very poor and often disagreeable company during those times.

Talking about permanently being exhausted and even waking up in the middle of sleep because I started dreaming about what I had left undone work wise. I would literally get up out of bed to finish my work load. Me being a woman my household is my domain. That is something we agreed on when we first started getting together almost 12 Years ago and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but now even that suffered because I no longer had time to even clean my house to the standard I wanted it to be.

Every single waking moment of my every day – yes 7 days a week- was taken up with work.

Does that sound familiar at all? If it does you may just be a workaholic as well and are running into the same risks as I was. Did you know that workaholics are often at higher risk for heart attacks and strokes because of the high stress levels they put themselves through? Depression is nothing unusual in workaholics either since we really base our worth on what we can achieve financially and when it doesn’t come in we take it as a direct blow against us.

Relationship problems are a daily norm since our loved ones and spouses feel rightfully neglected and just not important enough for us to want to spend time with them. Of course this ends up in arguments which only chases us back to our work since we are trying to avoid them at all cost. The last thing we want is more stress so we go back to what we can control - our work.

Most workaholics in one way or another are control freaks. We have managed to have complete control of our work environment and feel “comfortable” in it. At least we think we have control over it, but in reality it is controlling us.

Aside from the major health issues mentioned above we often end up dealing with becoming overweight since our work schedules do not allow for exercise or healthy eating. We have a harder time shaking colds etc since we usually won’t even take time off to heal and recover but push through. For us it is not an option to work – we literally HAVE TO WORK in order to feel that everything is as it should be.

Take a close look at most workaholics, they have a lot of business associates and acquaintances, but  real friends they have none or if they are lucky maybe one. Everything they do is work related even socializing is only done if it has something to do with work and getting ahead. They don’t socialize – they network. Constantly!

Now if that is starting to sound familiar to you, you may end up asking yourself how to break that cycle. Maybe you have realized that this is not where you want to be in your life either. Breaking this cycle is extremely hard so and once you are used to the constant rat race it becomes like a drug you need to have.

For me it was the complete break down and burn out. For others it is a major life crises or health issues that finally slows them down. I am sure there is another 12 Step program for workaholics out there, but to be honest with you I wouldn’t suggest them, because all you do is transfer one obsession to another.

You can actually break this cycle for yourself and I am not going to lie to you it is pretty hard for the first couple of weeks since you are used to working constantly. You are going to feel restless and as if you are wasting your time. Something you probably hate doing.

Since one of the main reasons you give yourself and others is “I just don’t have time to take time off” , you can do what I did and am still doing when I notice myself fall in the same patterns. Make a list of things that actually really bring you financially ahead and things which are just “worthless” efforts. Since earning money is another one of your major drives as a workaholic, this works really well. You have to be honest with yourself and most workaholics are extremely good at finding the smallest details in their work. So sit down and make that list and you will soon find at least a few hours a week which are spent in work activities that have not brought you any financial return at all.

Take those and write them on a different piece of paper, you will need those in a bit. Cross them out on your original list. Now look at the ones that are left and see where you can streamline and interconnect those activities. Take another piece of paper and write them down in “compatible blocks” until you have each one grouped up. Get rid of the first paper. Now you should already start to see a business plan emerge. Take each group and assign them to one day for 5 days. You work on that group on the day you have assigned to it. If you are extremely detail oriented you can even write a daily plan out with the most important or priority things you need to do for each group for the day you have scheduled it for. Now you may give yourself 8 or 9 hours each day to achieve that and if you have streamlined it that won’t even be a problem. At the end of the 8 or 9 hours whatever is left over will be put as priority for the next weeks scheduled group day. 

Remember the worthless list? Good take all those items and get rid of them. I mean literally strike them out of your day! If they don’t bring you income in or so little that it really makes no difference get rid of it. When I did that I literally freed up almost 38 hours per week. Those hours are now the hours you can take for your 2 Days a week off.  Since you are still as productive and earn as much money as you did doing it the long way, you can now take that time off without feeling guilty or feeling as if you are failing. DO NOT try to add new work related things!

Since by my nature I am incapable not to be active doing something, I have filled those hours for now with activities that I enjoy and not have had a chance to do. For me that was watching TV with my husband in the evening after dinner, drawing, practicing my Guitar and Keyboard, or going to a concert when there is one I want to see. Cooking a great meal something I always loved to do. Knitting and crocheting. With other words activities I can do around my husband or in the same room with him. This way my mind still stays occupied and it is not as hard for me to switch, I am available for my honey and my body gets to relax since those activities are not stress inducing but relaxing instead.

Once you stop working for the day, leave your work environment. For me that means turning my yahoo messenger off and leaving my home office, or putting on a music CD and playing some silly game on winster.com to win some points for an amazon e-certificate. I shut all my phone lines down at 4 pm, start cooking at 5 pm and after 6 pm it is my husbands and my time now.

You will be surprised how much better your relationship is going to get after a couple of weeks once you start actually being available. Now it won’t go flawless for everyone since they are used to having to be without you. Just as you are going to have to have time to adjust to a less hectic work schedule so will  your spouse. Don’t be hurt if they at first just continue doing what they have always done without you. They had to get used to you being not around and most of the time they may not even trust this to last. Give both of you time to get used to the changes and please be honest with your spouse or loved ones about what you are trying to do. You can even ask them for help in sticking to your new schedule.

I told my husband that I would stick to this new schedule unless I would run into a major money issue and couldn’t pay my bills. In which case I would start doing a power week – meaning working my usual old schedule to bring it back up, but after that he would have to yank me back into the new schedule again, because I may not notice it.

Now remember to make sure your business associates are aware of your new schedule too. They have probably gotten used to you being around all the time. It is perfectly ok for you to say they need to wait a little bit and please respect your off hours unless of course you are a surgeon and on call. That won’t work so well than.

I was very surprised how many of those I had business dealings with actually responded with: “Good it is about time you take some time to yourself. I was getting worried about you!” Now they give me ahead notice when they need something done and a longer deadline to get in done in. My clients know to come to me during my business hours and most of them too have adjusted very well to this. Yes of course you are going to lose a few, those who think that everyone has to revolve around them, but in the long run they are probably really not worth your health are they?

Let me finish with saying – slowing down a little is really worth it. You will feel better after a while and even realize that your life really should be a life instead of nothing but work. Reclaim it and reclaim your love relationships as well. You will be a lot happier in the long run.

If you need help with kicking the habit or just need to vent your frustrations and worries feel free to use my phonelines to connect with me. You will see when I am available. If I am not showing as available drop me a line there to schedule an appointment with me.

Blessings

Shalamar

He proceeded to tell me that he figured that since I charged for my time and was into financial domination as well, he could make me love him if he paid me enough money often enough.

I had a hard time not falling out of my chair with me laughing so hard. This was the typical reaction of most ignorant person making an assumption about someone else whom they didn’t even know.

We read so often about women marrying for money essentially turning them-selves into gold diggers, yet I belief that most of us marry for love.

I have had many opportunities in my younger days to marry men who were very well off and often their offer for my hand included pointing their means (financially) out to me. Let’s put it this way, if they had a chance up to that point, they lost it as they brought it up.

My heart, my soul and my emotions are not for sale. Not now, nor will they ever be. The point is that the honor of my love is priceless. You need to be able to pay a completely different price in order to be worthy of it.

With other words  a lot of standards and requirements to be met instead.

1. I require absolute honesty and loyalty
2. I require someone to be able to handle being with a strong willed and minded woman.
3. I can not deal with someone who has to try to compete with me constantly, nor do I enjoy spending my time with someone who thinks that having money or a big dick is something to brag about.
4. I want to be able to be awed by you from time to time! With other words I need for you to be smart and have some talents I don’t have.
5. You have to be a mature (mentally) man, not an overgrown boy who still has not cut his Momma’s apron strings, or has no sense of responsibilities.

Those are just the basics and as you can see nowhere in there does it say you have to be well off or rich. Money is not a consideration for me when it comes to loving someone.

I am what you consider someone who is looking for a deep emotional bond with my life partner and someone who is realistic enough to know that love will be tested and can either break (if you chose unwisely) or become stronger over the years.

Reality is that love changes and matures over the years. Some of the things you thought important at a younger age will fall to the wayside as your grow personally and things you never thought would be important will suddenly become one of the most important requirements for a healthy love relationship.

One of my favorite Christmas movies explains love as this: “Love is not about the fireworks, but about feeling complete with your life partner!” I couldn’t have said this any better myself. It is that feeling of being complete because of the presence of your loved one in your life that will help you get past a lot of hard times.

A lot of people will counsel you and say: “When you look for a life partner look for the things you have in common!” I would go a step further and say: “Take a look at the things you have in opposition as well.

A long time ago I wrote an article called: Why Marrying for love may not always be enough! In this Article I point to some of the main things you really need to consider before you say I do. The “are we compatible” topics and yes you can have slight fluctuations in them, but if they are majorly opposite you may not get through the first few tough years to the “becoming your spouses best friend” stage later in life again when sex is no longer a big deal.

Now let me talk to you about some of the things you may want to look for the complete opposites in which can make your relationship a lot stronger once you see the value in them.

Your weakness is his/her strength and vice versa!

Each human being has a set of skills, talents and strength/weaknesses that they come with. That is what makes us all unique and wonderful. Since I do best illustrating via my own experience let me give you a couple of examples of my honey and I in which those opposites really work out well. They compliment each other and complete each other.

I have a very hard time dealing with big dramatic happenstance and feel emotions very deeply. My husband on the other hand is of a more “cold” and “matter of fact” nature. When I am dealing with a major upheaval in my life (death in the family, major illness or emergency for one of my kids) I can always count on my husband to give me a more clear thinking way of looking at things and be my “rock” in a storm.

On the other side of it, he can not deal with minor inconveniences at all. Those drive him nuts and overwhelm him. This is where my strength is. As long as the problems are of a regular or minor basis I have no problem at all making short work of them, fixing the problem before it becomes too big and make sure things start running smoothly again in a short time.

Both of us have opposite gifts in that department and we can take care of each other in that aspect very well. I handle all the regular worries and minor to medium problems so he can move smoothly along. He helps me through the tough times when I need a strong hand to walk me through safely!

In interaction with others we are the complete opposite as well, but we both have a high talent for teaching. My husbands talent is in taking very complex information and break it down in a way that even a 4-year-old could understand, however he is not the most sensitive of people when it comes to dealing with others. With other words he is even more blunt than I am and has a difficult time with seeing anyone else as “right”.

My talent is in getting to the bottom of problems and being able to counsel people without making them feel as if they are “wrong” or “stupid” for feeling the way they do. As I listen to someones problem I do it with all my senses not just my ears, but my heart and mind as well. This allows me to get to the issue behind the apparent problem and to the initial cause of the situation which is the problem at the moment. I am able to shine the light on just about any situation and help someone move forward to a better place in their life.

Where my husband can teach about difficult scientific, technological or other unemotional things and do it in a very clear and precise way, I deal with the human issues and emotions. Again we both are opposite but complimentary to each other.

Different talents mean that you always have something to be in awe of in your partner!

I am very artistic and have an easy time with words, I love music but do not have the fine ear my husband has. When it comes to mechanical, electronic or technical things I am very basic however and can not get past the first few steps. This is again where my husband shines and is at his best. He on the other end couldn’t draw a stick figure and has a hard time expressing himself in words which will not fall like a brick on others shoulders. We each again really work wonderful as a team and can appreciate each others talents.

You need to respect each others space!

This is so very important and giving each other some personal space can make or break a relationship in the long run. We do not agree on everything and we are both extremely opinionated and head strong when it comes to specific topics. This is where it is extremely important to realize that we have to give each other the space to have our own opinions and not put each other down for the way we see those topics. Sometimes it is best for us to go into our individual offices and just be by ourselves for a little while until the “feelings have calmed’ down again.

With other words as you can see in those few examples it is just as important to look for the complimentary differences in your potential life partner as it is to look for the things you have in similar or common.

Remember too that we each love differently and in every relationship there is a different level of love each brings to the table. My husband believes that if you have to constantly work on a relationship it isn’t really true and deep love, where as I belief that a relationship will always need a certain level of effort from both sides to help it remain strong.

Account for changes in your personality which occur naturally as you get older. Never force your life partner to change for you. They wouldn’t be able to anyways and never try to be something you are not. I learned that the hard way when I tried to become a BDSM slave to my husband for several years and failed miserably since it is contrary to my nature. Both of us are dominates and alphas at that.  That we were able to continue as a couple after that fell apart is a very strong indicator of how well we had actually chosen in our life partner even if we do seem to be a bad fit to most who would read that.

Now if you marry for money, none of those considerations come into account since your main focus is the financial gain you have entering into this relationship. This may work out for some people and it has worked very well for some as long as both were aware of this from the beginning. In that case it is a marriage of convenience and both party must make sure that what they receive out of it is what they need.

Look at some of the old arranged marriages. Or marriages of money and titles. Look at some of the marriages of an older man or woman with a lot of money and a much younger person. In all of those cases each partner knew and understood what they went in for.

For some people this is a possibility and they would be happy and content personality wise to handle a loveless marriage as long as all the other attributes were in order. In other cases like myself it would be unthinkable.

Now if you are single, dating or considering a lifetime contract called marriage (because that is exactly how you have to look at it. It isn’t just for as long as things go your way and we can always get divorced later.) you must be aware of what type of personality you are?

Are you someone who needs to feel the close loving bond between you and your partner in order to feel complete or are you a more rational and unemotional type who is looking for securities and personal gain? Neither is right or wrong, it is individual to the person. It is however your responsibility to be 100% honest up front about this with yourself and the person you are getting involved with.

Remember that the most important ingredient in a successful marriage is honesty and they have a right to know!

As always

Shalamar

Even in regular everyday interaction with often use off hand courtesies instead of actually expecting or even desiring honesty. For example, how often have you asked someone or have been asked by someone “How are you today?”

Reality is that most people don’t want to hear how you really are. It is a courtesy with an unspoken just don’t answer that honestly unless you are fantastic. Very few people care about others problems.

Allow me to get back to relationship and dating!

Imagine if you would be required to write a “Looking for a life partner” Advertisement on one of those Dating Sites and you would have to write it 100% honest without any embellishments. I am going to use myself as an example, just to show you how shocking and potentially unappealing it would be to most people. A pure example of too honest which too many of us could simply not handle

I am a 41 Year old overweight bordering on obese (by statistic standards) opinionated woman with loads of emotional baggage from my life up to now. I get moody, cranky and can be a real bitch to be with when I am overworked, overstressed or overtired.

I had multiple kids and yes you can still see my stretch marks. I am bossy and a control freak. I am possessive if I love you and I am the typical hot or cold type personality. You could easily liken me to an elephant since I have a very long memory and I don’t forget easy. I may forgive you, but if you hurt me too often I will leave your life without a second thought.

I am extremely kinky and very domineering, matter of fact you might as well know now that I am a Dominatrix and I won’t put up with your stupid shit for long if you cross me.

On the other hand I am extremely loyal if you treat me well and when I do love someone I can overlook a lot of short comings. No, the size of your cock does not impress me, so if that is all you have to offer to me, you are going to find me very insulting in a short time flat.

I enjoy the company of men and women alike. As in conversations, but I do not like your typical selfish and idiotic guys and girls who haven’t bought a clue you that being in a relationship means you have responsibilities to each other and your life does need to adjust.

I am bi-sexual with my preference leaning largely towards men and even there I am super picky. I do not share, so if you are getting the idea that you can get sandwiched between too chicks you might as well move on. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and most of you guys wouldn’t know how to pay equal attention to both women let alone satisfy them. I am not your trained sexual circus puddle.

I am extremely blunt (did you notice?) and I will tell you at all times exactly what I think. With other words please never ask me a stupid question like – My husband cheated on me 6 times, we broke up 4, he wants to get back together with me again…does he love me and should I? The answer would be no you imbecile, he is just using you. Next?

No I am not going to change for you, I like the way I am. So if you have any wonderful notions of you being my Knight in shining armor who can turn me into this sweet and innocent little ninny hammer you might as well try that with someone younger and more impressionable.

I am not a feminist, I am Goddess. Meaning I still enjoy having my doors opened for me, my chair pulled out and you using some manners. I can carry heavy packages, move furniture, but if you want to be my man that should be your job not mine.

Never put me in a position where I even have to suspect you are cheating on me, because you really are not going to like the results. If I still give a damn I will be jealous and trust me you will hear it. If I gave up on you behaving like a gentleman and see myself more in a room mate situation I won’t give a shit, but you will no longer have all the side benefits as you used to either. You don’t get it both ways with me.

I could go on a bit more, but you get the picture I am trying to paint. If you would be that honest right up front with anyone you meet you would have a lot less people even approaching you. On the other hand those who would be able to handle this sort of honesty and still want to get to know you after reading all that, are much better prepared of what they are encountering than the “I am such an Angel” façade so many of us want to put on before the relationship goes into affect.

Now of course it is extremely important that some of the important things about your persona really should be put on the table from the start, because they are going to make a big difference in your relationship later on down the line.

For example:

If you are an alternative lifestyler and have certain fetishes which are very much part of your personality your potential future partner has a right to know those up front. Think of someone who has a deep need to crossdress for example. No matter how much he is going to try to hide this fetish and need in the beginning, he is either going to start going behind your back and do it, or be miserable to the max. Neither of those are a good option.

I would like to invite you now, just for shits and giggles really to write a 100% honest description of yourself the way I did above. Do not embellish it or leave anything out. Put it away for about two weeks and come back to it later, reading it as if someone else wrote it and you are now evaluating that person for a potential life partner. You may be surprised how many of those things are really going to bother you if they were someone else. If you notice they do, it is time to work on them in yourself as well.

If you feel after reading this you would like to have a conversation with someone who understands that we are not perfect and is willing to help you with your dating and relationship problems feel free to give me a call on my counseling lines. I am looking forward to meet you!

Shalamar

$1.59 a min.

Another truth which many do not want to accept is that in each relationship there is usually one person who tries a lot harder to keep the relationship running and developing in a smooth way then the other one. Sadly the person doing most of the work in many ways enables his/her partner to grow lazy or too content in just being the recipient of the care given to them. Usually that is where the problems are slowly starting to creep up between both partners.

No matter how much the person doing most of the caring, worrying and trying usually wouldn’t mind eventually they too will come to a situation in which they physically or mentally / emotionally need the same level of care brought towards them.

If they start speaking up it can go one of two ways. Either their partner is willing to listen openly and not feel it as an attack on their ego but a cry for help, which results in them stepping up to the plate and give the aid needed. On the other end of this particular scenario is the “blow up” instead. Now since it is being brought out in the open the character flaws are being thrown into the face of the one seeking help.

“Eh you are Miss toughass all the time, ,maybe if you would act like a woman should once in a while you’d get help!”

“Maybe if you would not think you are the one who can do everything better than the rest of us, you wouldn’t sit here whining now!”

“I don’t want to hear your drama, it’s all BS anyways. Nobody asked you to do all those things for me, I can do it just fine on my own!”

The list of hurtful sentences could go on until next year and I am sure you could add at least 100 of them yourself right?

No here we are going to have two very separate reactions to what I just wrote. Those who are usually the “attackers” will side with the person saying the sentences I used as an example from many conversations I have held with a wide range of people over my years of counseling. For the “attacker” it is never his or her fault. Afterall the person now seeking the help created this hard ass persona, so don’t come bitching now.

What they do not realize is that just as much as the person trying to keep the relationship working well is enabling  the other person to be less sensitive and active in making things better instead of worst, so is the “attacker” responsible for his or her life partner to stay what they call a “bossy person”, “hard ass” and many other very painful words.

The other reaction may feel like the slap in the face. Ouch that sounds just a little too familiar for comfort.

Depending on  what the circumstances fully are that are causing this situation, the level of love the person holds for his / her partner or how often those forms of rejection happen the results can be vastly different. Those reactions can result in walking away from the relationship either emotionally (I give up!) or physically (I have had enough), depression (what did I do wrong?), anger (This is not right and I be damned if I take it) to emotional and physical withdrawal.

There are of course other circumstances in which constant rejection or being taken for granted can cause a very sad resolution and this one is just as wide-spread.

I am going to do the following examples in the format of “action = possible or likely reaction”.

He no longer notices when she takes special care of her appearance or dresses sexy for him = If she truly did it just for him or mainly for him in order remain appealing to his senses slowly and over the years this will stop. Sadly it is not until she has given up trying to look nice for her man that he notices the decline in her appearance. If he than decides to verbally notice it, it will usually result in a verbal spat or her feeling that she was right in just stopping. In her mind he only notices the “bad” and in many ways negative attention is better than no attention at all. Yes we all have that bit of child attitude in us even as an adult.

He / she rejects his/her partner sexually and intimately more often than not. = First off I NEED to mention that I am not talking about situations here where physically ailments are the case which make sexual contact impossible or are too painful. I am talking about 2 reasonably healthy individuals who are able to be sexual with each other. Sadly this can have two equally sad reactions. The first one can be the sexual and intimate withdrawal from the one being rejected constantly. After a while this hurts too much and it is often just easier to take care of the sexual needs on your own and privately via masturbation. Sadly since when it comes to sexual togetherness in a long-standing relationship / marriage this is not just SEX but it is Physical Love as well hopefully coupled with emotional love which is being refused to the one seeking it and being rejected. Which means that once it gets to the point that the one usually asking for it or seeking it out with his/her partner gives up on even trying a huge part of the other intimacies in their relationship are beginning to suffer as well. Is there a difference between sex and love? Yes there is, but in a solid marriage or relationship you must have both to make it last in equal measures and sex no longer is just sex, but hopefully a form of the physical manifestation of love.

The other and sadly wide spread solution many seem to reach for is finding their needs met somewhere else. Not everyone is a cheater and that goes for both gender contrary to popular belief, but everyone can be tempted to do so when the level of rejection becomes too frequent and high lasting for long durations of time. It is depending on the individual person and their own character and loyalties if they will succumb to the temptation to have their needs filled elsewhere or not.

Men usually end up cheating because of the lack of sex, while women end up cheating because of the lack of emotional intimacy and feeling of being loved and appreciated. In both cases cheating in those situations is just as much the partners fault as of the one committing this sad act. In both cases it is the rejection and need to have a missing part filled and to gain once more validation that they still “have it” that drives them on to stepping out of the vows and relationship agreements. Once that happens your relationship has received a large blow which is seldom completely fixable if at all.

She / he never appreciates the hard work her/his partner does to bring home the bacon or work done around the house = That is one of the most wide spread problems we have in any relationship. It just seems to “normal” for them to do that and the thought process often is that they would have to do it anyways, that it sadly goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Very few people truly enjoy what they have to do in order to make a living and it is often the interest their partner has and the appreciation for them doing it that makes it a little bit better. Each “job” be it outside the house or working in the house is equally important and contributes in keeping a household flowing well. When it always goes unnoticed, unappreciated or the lines of communication for sharing “great news” or “venting” are constantly shut down to the lack of the partners interest it will result in resentment and anger. Which can lead into the other issues I mentioned above.

There are several more, but I do want to end it here. The main point of this lengthy post is the following:

If you take your partner for granted too much, reject them too often or do not take their needs, feelings, or desires into account because you are too involved in your own life and needs, feelings or desires to remember that you have formed a union with a human being who depends on your support as well it will have very strong and often relationship destroying consequences. Think of it like a well working machine, when you overwork one part of that machine which usually makes it run smoothly to the point that it gets too worn down to do its job any longer, the whole machine breaks down. Yes sure you can replace that piece and for a while it will work well again, but since you didn’t learn from what caused it to begin with the same thing will happen over and over again.

A relationship takes two giving it their best to make it work. No matter what some may say or think, at least one of the two is always going to have to work on making the relationship sweet. The difference is that it shouldn’t be a one person situation but both people putting a bit of effort it. When both give it their best, give their best effort it won’t be work, but something very beautiful. If however one of the two believes that everything is their due and they do not need to take responsiblity ever for anything that may go wrong or needs to be done out of the area they feel like doing, than it becomes an almost overwhelming work load for the remaining person to handle. You never know what you had until you lost it! A very old but wise saying. My advice is that you may not wish to push it so far that you find out just what you had walking out of your front door.

XOXO

Shalamar

Photo courtesy of http://freedigitalphotos.net

 We all have lost someone in our life before or have undergone some dramatic experiences which left our hearts feeling full of pain and anguish.

Picture courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

  Take a look around you for a little while! I mean a really close look at everything you see for let’s say the next 2 Days. Take a look at the people you encounter, the decorations you see popping up in the Stores, the music you hear on the different radio stations and the general atmosphere you surround yourself with.