Family relationships between Parents and Parent / Child

In my previous parenting advice article I mentioned the importance of healthy family relationships not only between parent and child, but between the parents as well.

Many parents have an overly “moralistic” view on what is appropriate in front of their children and what is not. They consider the simple and normal act of holding each other, snuggling up with one another, or giving each other a small kiss in front of their child as inappropriate behavior. Misconstruing this human demonstration of love and affection as something sexual and so leading into something dirty. I hate to offend those of you who are oppressed by your religious upbringing and have been brainwashed into thinking that any physical demonstration of love is wrong outside of the bedroom, but you are not doing your child any good.

Instead of showcasing a healthy family relationship or a relationship between adults who love each other, you are teaching them:

1. that everything demonstrating love and affection is dirty and wrong.
2. that every physical contact between two people will lead to something sexual.
3. that it is not ok to hug or kiss someone even within your own family.
4. that they need to hide their feelings and / or be ashamed of them.
5. to be repressed and suspicious of physical shows of affection and love.
6. that essentially physical love is wrong and dirty.
7. that you can only be loving towards someone if you are in the bedroom behind closed doors.
8. that you don’t think that showing love is ok.

This sadly leads to them not learning the difference between what is an appropriate show of affection between two adults and what is highly inappropriate as well. It leads to them even becoming uncomfortable when other adults show affection around them, or them mistaking in the long run sex for love. A lesson they desperately need to learn from early on. There is a reason we have to many teenage pregnancies these days and it isn’t just because kids are a lot more sexually active earlier now, but because a lot of girls are looking for love and mistaking letting a guy fuck her for that. Guess what, that is what you taught them by your stiff necked behavior. After all they know Mommy and Daddy had sex and they assume you love each other, so sex must equal love since you don’t show it any other non-sexual way.

Parenting is never easy and I am certain you want to be the best parent for your child you can possibly be. Family relationships between parents often shift or fall apart in this time and age. It isn’t because of the lack of moral values either, but because of the disconnect between the husband and wife. Let me put it this way folks, when touching becomes something which is inappropriate outside of the bedroom even when it is just casual and a demonstration of love, you have already lost the battle in keeping your marriage alive and giving your child a good role model of healthy family relationships.
Children may make “yuck noises” when they see their parents kiss each other or be playful, but I can guarantee you they love seeing it. It is their job to act “shocked” and give us hell. I remember when my children grew up. I have always been a very demonstrative person when it came to giving hugs to my spouse or my children. I would rain kisses on their upturned faces and there was never a day I wouldn’t kiss my husband hello or good bye. On the other hand my kids would also watch me not show that same level of affection to people outside of our family unit. I didn’t go around hugging and kissing strangers or friends in the same way. My kids learned that by watching me that full frontal hugs were only for my husband and my children, since that meant I would take them close to my bosom and heart. Friends and removed family friends would be hugged slightly from the side by me. If I gave a kiss to a close family friend or a removed family member it was always on the cheek and further away from the mouth. Clearly showing the difference in my affection for them!

Cuddling up on a couch to watch TV was also something I would only do with my kids or husband. I didn’t “love” everyone I met. My children learned the difference early on from me. There was no “harmless” flirting with other adults or inappropriate touching. Touching was a show of affection and it was never demonstrated in a way that could have let to something else.

My children even as teenagers would often sit on the couch and demand “Kiss, Kiss,” if I stood close to my husband and made a funny ruckus when we would roll our eyes at them and obliged, something a lot of their friends had a hard time understanding. I can’t even remember how many times I heard my children’s friends say: “Yuck, you actually want your parents to kiss? Man shouldn’t they take that to the bedroom?” That right there tells you everything you need to know. Positive physical affection was not part of their upbringing in their own family relationships.

My children always responded the same. “Don’t be stupid, they love each other. What is wrong with our parents giving each other a hug and a kiss? It’s nice! It’s not like they are going to have sex here in front of us. Get a grip!”

See how the answer demonstrates they knew the difference? They clearly understood already that love was different from sex. That a kiss and a hug showed loved, while the physical act of bumping uglies was sexual in nature.

This also allowed my kids to feel comfortable hugging and kissing us and each other without automatically taking it into a dirty or nasty direction. It opened it up for me to be able to have some very honest talks with them as well. Part of parenting is explaining to your child what is appropriate touching within family relationships and outside of them, as well as what is acceptable and what is not. My kids all were taught by me from as early as possible that I was to be told immediately if anyone (including friends and family members) ever tried to touch them in a wrong way and to never be afraid of letting me know. They were as well instructed as to what would happen if they lied about it or if they lead someone on by inappropriate behavior of their own. Yes all that is part of having a healthy family relationship (the ability to speak honest and open with one another and your child) as well as parenting. Those topics can not ever be taboo.

I raised my children to verbalize clearly and strictly if they did not wish to be touched in any way by someone else. I taught them that demonstrations of love between family members was ok and that what happened between adults loving each other in the bedroom was just as fine, but that should never spill out in front of them. This means they were taught to knock on our bedroom door if it was closed as well. Teaching them respect and that we too respected them. This of course went the same for us as they grew older. If their bedroom door was closed I would knock always before entering.

I was never as proud and knew that my parenting had taken hold the right way as when I clearly heard my teenage daughter tell one of her male friends to not get any stupid ideas. She may give him a hug because he was her friend, but that was all he was getting. She didn’t love him like that and with that sex was out of the question. This was a direct result of him trying to touch her in a way which she didn’t find acceptable. As a parent that is all I can ask for.

A note purely on family relationships between husband and wife or equivalent; if your relationship cools down so much that there is no longer any affection, emotional connectedness, or the feeling of belonging; don’t be surprised when your partner starts looking for those things elsewhere. We often overlook the necessity to remain each others beloved, best friend, cuddle buddy, lover and companion when we become parents. This often ends up with one of the two not only starting to feel neglected but often even resentful. Just because you had children doesn’t mean you stopped being a couple as well. Make sure you make time for each other and demonstrate your love and affection for each other daily in as many ways as you can think of. Some are only appropriate when your children are not present, while others can be done in front of them easily. A hug, a kiss, a cuddle on the couch while watching TV, an “I love you” for no reason all are perfectly fine and will help you stay connected. Don’t overlook those small and very important things and never use “strict religious morals” as an excuse to be less than loving towards one another.

As always I am available to speak to you on my phone lines if you feel the need to discuss relationship, parenting or any other issues which bother you with me.

Regina S. aka Shalamar